these days

I didn’t know the shadows behind your eyes were real,

I’m sorry I thought

You were ever faking

 

You breathe into every day and I don’t know

How you manage

 

There’s courage in you that you don’t even know

There’s a love in you

 

That you can let out if you just trust in us

 

I won’t hurt you, dad

 

You’ve been hurting for too long

 

I forgive you for what I am responsible for forgiving

 

I can’t save you from the anger of others

You’ve wronged over the years

 

Your intentions misguided though sometimes achingly

Pure

 

When I hear your voice now

I sense a different man has emerged

 

You are still in so much pain

But now you’re trying so hard

To stop trying to numb it

Enough to realize you’ve been relying on all the wrong

Vices

To save you

 

We’ve been here all along

 

And we won’t give up on you now.

I promise.

Before it got really bad

Before it got really bad

Dad used to be

chewing gum

visceral spearmint

in memory

 

he used to be pockets

of shiny quarters

a jacket sleeve

proffered to little hands

when crossing

the street

 

he used to be

feeding ducks

bits of bread

in the park

 

Dad was

a cheeky Puck’s grin

the ever-prankster

 

But when it got really bad

he was whiskey

Crown Royal bottles

lining the far kitchen

wall

 

he was a shadow

formed first

in the furrow of his brows

 

he was the dining table

upturned,

cracked flower trimmed

plates

and unrelenting

storm

 

a pocket

Of bruised fists

matching

mom’s bruised eyes

 

Dad was his head

in his hands

 

Dad was a wide back

turned

away

 

But if it gets better

I hope he can

be how he was

 

when I loved him

best